I would describe myself as an ambivert. I tend to watch and listen before I'm comfortable around new people or places. I am a very social person, but I also very much need my alone and quiet times to recharge. I try to be very deliberate with my words and so I'm not really good confronational interactions, because I really want to process my thoughts and feelings. There is a lot I've never said to a lot of people. Today, I am writting an open letter to say the things I can't eloquate in the moment. For the sake of annonimity I won't be using any names.
I saw how hard you worked. I knew how tired you were. You shouldered so much and I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you. You taught me what it looked like to be stronger than I thought I could be. You never once put the weight you carried on me, and I didn't make it easy. You are the standard I measure myself against. I love you and appreciate you so much. you have always been my best friend.
I wish that you would practice what you preach as much as you shove it down our throats. You have taught me how to be strong and independant, despite all of my attempts to be vulnerable to you. I know that it has been part of what has shaped me into the person Iam today, much to my chargrin. You have been a shining example of "do what I say, not as I do," I really take it to heart. You have taught me so much about the kind of person I don't want to be. I took all the lessons of love and kindness and figured out how to love everyone around me, despite the example you set.
How do two people go from best friends from birth to what we've become. You were my first partner in crime, and you are in almost all of my childhood memories... I use to wonder how we grew so apart, and the sad answer is that you have endured a much more traumatic life than I have. I am sorry for all of the terrible things you have gone through. My hope for you is that one day, you will figure out how to only accept the love you deserve from those around you, and that you find peace with your past.
You were the first person to ever make me feel bad about my weight. I was 5 years old. You were the first person that taught me that what I saw in the mirror was not good enough. How do you do that to a child? I thought you were glamorous. I thought you were the coolest person ever but because I was fat, and smaller, and weaker than your own, I was less than. That was the first time I was taught to put myself below others. You also spoke badly of my absent parent in front of me, and cheated on all of your spouces. I know now, years later that you are a small person that only feels better about themselves after you have belittled everyone around you. I needed a strong rolemodel and it could have been you, because you are most definately fierce and have qualities to emulate. I could have used a person like you to teach me to be confident and shine with my own talents and abilities.
You were one of my first not family friend. You were the coolest kid I knew and I wanted to be just like you. We were inseperable until your stepmom moved away. Then, as is the bane of childhood friendship, we just lost touch. I am thankful for social media becasue I was able to reconnect with you, but it isn't the same. I wish that we could be close like we use to be. Maybe one day.
I am sorry for the trouble I caused. I am sorry for exacerbating old traumas from your past. I never meant any malice, and for that I truely apologize. You were the first person who was around who had the things teenager like me needed or wanted. What I wish you could apologize for is putting your issues and hang-ups on me. I was an adolescent, and I needed a role model. You could have been that. You had the life I could have made for myself, had I ever been taught to be more like you. Instead, you took my taking your things as stealing instead of the natural inclination that a preteen would have to borrow from family. Instead of seeing me as a child who was going through a huge adjustment what with leaving my childhood home, all the friends I grew up with, and my family dynamic changing dramatically, none of which I asked for; what you saw was a surly preteen launching a personal attack. You turned me into a criminal in my own home. If not a criminal, a prisoner. My safe place, where I should have felt loved and protected was place where I felt like an outsider, unseen and unloved. To put the icing on the cake, when our lives imploded, instead of taking responsibility for the choices you made, you blamed me. I was the reason you ended your marriage. I get it. It was easier than dealing with your own shit, but I was just a kid.
I don't think I've ever really explained this to you, but I admired you. You had a confidence I have rarely seen. you liked what you liked and didn't like what you didn't like and you didn't really care what anyone else thought. You were good with being you. And everyone seemed to like you. Everyone was your friend. You were my best friend, my partner in crime and I was yours. We did so many thing together that your life was basically my life. All of my best memories from then have you in them. Your family adopted me as their own and I loved them as my own. We've had a lot of ups and downs, but we have always been able to get past them. I hope you know how much I love you, time and distance will never change that.
You are kind of like my port in the storm. I could always call you and tell you about my life and you would be able to commisserate or cheer me up. I could be exactly me with you, with out fear of rejection. You are my hetero life partner, no matter what. My kindred spirit weirdo. You are usually the person I want to tell everything to first. I miss you more than I tell you, but it doesn't make it any less true. I miss riding in cars with you and our midnight kareoke McGriddle runs... Cards at VI and sex on a plate. Thank you for loving me and emracing all of my quirky goodness.
You were the best friend of my life and I miss you all the time. I have never had a friend like you that I knew would come in the middle of the night to surprise me on your way home from work, or that would come over without being asked when I've had a horrible day. You held my hand through my first break up and was there with me when I began my venture into motherhood. Thank you for loving fiercely. I didn't get it back then, but I get it now.
You were my first. You were the first person who openly saw me and thought that I was beautiful inside and out. The problem was you couldn't get past the other superficial things. And you don't kno whow to communicate in a constructive way. That's why we still can't seem to figure this thing out. I know that it isn't in your nature to not have control of things, but all of these things, your struggles with me, are due to your choices. You chose to be unprotected. You chose to keep it. You decided you didn't love me. You believed others who tried to tell you that I would try to screw you over. You took us to court. You moved away. When those are the choices you make, I have no choice but to stand up for myself, and I was raised to be strong. I am smart, and I am fair. I can't give up the thing we made together. I love her too much. She is the best thing that ever happened between us, and she is my world and I will always fight for her.
You were the next person I dared trust with my heart. You embraced my unpredicablity and saw the spontinaity as an adventure. You were vulnerable with me, but guarded as well. I will never understand why. I think in 10 years I've proven that I'm incredibly understanding and forgiving. I put up with a lot from a lot of people. I understood all of your "issues" and accepted them for what they were. I know nobody is perfect, and I never expected you to be. I just wanted you to want me. That is it. But because you'd rather hide behind your fears, you put up a wall I could not overcome. That is what breaks my heart the most is we would have been good for each other, I think. You hurt me, many times, in many ways, but in spite of that, you will always have a special place in my heart. I don't give up on anyone.
You, you are my kryponite. You make me emotionally and rationally retarded. I know I shouldn't hold on. I know I shouldn't keep being there for a person who can not be there for me. The problem is, when I'm with you, it feels like home. You make me feel special, you make me feel beautiful, and wanted. And then I look at you. You are my flavor of handsome, I mean, you are sexy as hell to me, in all your forms. Your voice melts me like butter. You get me, because you are so much like me. You inspire me. Now... if only we could get the details worked out...
That's all I really have for this edition.
but for those who love music, this was my inspiration for this post.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYhhZQx0Xhg
